Lights! Camera! ACTION, BABES!
by WeirdnessTimesTwo
Summary: The Potter Puppet Pals decide to make an adult film in order to make money for the school. Serious brain bleach may be needed, but there's nothing too risque. However, children should not read this story. Not at all. Hilarity ensues in the form of unproductiveness and the infamous 'funny candy.'


DUMBLEDORE: Hello, all you Potter Puppet fans. You are about to read a story with strong sexual content. The writers of this FanFiction do not advocate pedophilia, necrophilia, or child pornography in any way, shape, or form. So, simmer down! It's just a story! And don't have sex with children, because you'll go to jail and have to swallow your cellmate's dirty basilisk! Also, the authors don't own anything, so don't sue them, because they have no money

POTTER PUPPET MAKES A PORNO

SNAPE: After the hippoclit licking, he put his basilisk into his smelly chamber of secrets, ram-

HARRY: CUT! CUT! THAT'S ALL WRONG! *shouts on unintelligibly*

SNAPE (narrating): *sigh* If you're reading this, you're probably wondering how I went from potions master at a respected school of witchcraft and wizardry to a narrator of illegal pornographic films. This monstrosity began three miserable weeks ago, and it is kind of difficult to explain.

*three weeks ago*

DUMBLEDORE: Bad news, kids, the school is losing money.

KIDS: OH NO! What will we do?

RON: I've got a plan! Ready? Let's make a porno!

*back to present*

SNAPE: Actually, that's pretty much it. And the miniscule bit of respect I had left for the somewhat less-than-noble headmaster has now vanished, much like every ounce of happiness from my so-called existence.

HARRY: Never mind, let's just cut to the scene where Neville pees on Malfoy!

MALFOY: Come on, Potter, we've done this scene 42 times!

NEVILLE: LISTEN TO WHAT THE DIRECTOR SAYS! *peeing on Malfoy* Take it, take it, you little shit! Tell me you love it!

MALFOY: I HATE YOU!

HARRY: CUT! *grinning* You do know that means we have to do it over again, right?

MALFOY: DAMN YOU ALL!

HAGRID: Can we please have a scene where I tame my dragon?

HARRY: Hagrid, no one wants to see your big hairy dick. You'll play the couch and you'll like it!

HAGRID: Well, if you saw it, you'd realize it's not all that big. I keep trying to tell you. . .

HARRY: TMI! You're the couch!

MALFOY: What the hell? Why are you still peeing on me? WE'RE NOT EVEN FILMING!

NEVILLE: Got to rehearse.

HARRY: Ok, Neville, save it for the movie. We have to get to Hermione and Ginny's scene.

HERMIONE: Again? But we've done this scene 86 times!

RON: Every time I think about my baby sister being naked and violated on camera, for all to see, I die a little inside.

HARRY: Every time you think of ANY girl naked and violated ANYWHERE, you die a little inside. Okay ready? Lights! Camera! ACTION!

SNAPE: Deep in the metaphorical forbidden forest, -

HARRY: CUT! You're not supposed to SAY it's metaphorical. That's SUBTEXT. You know, IMPLICATIONS.

RON: What does that word mean?

HARRY: Subtext, it's when a -

RON: No, what does CUT mean?

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Let's try this again. LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION, BABES!

SNAPE: These two students from the Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Pimpery were deeply lost within the magical carpet of each other's forbidden forests, taming their dragons and innermost sexual desires. The one with no soul rammed the can't-believe-she's-actually-a-girl's pu-

HERMIONE: CUT!

HARRY: Herhymen, only the director yells cut.

HERMIONE: First, don't use my pornographic name out of film, and second, did you think of ANYONE'S feelings when you wrote the script?

HARRY: Herhymen, we've known each other for a long time, been best friends for a long time, yet you still don't really know me! I don't give a damn about your feelings. Now, get out there and be a slut!

HERMIONE: You're a slut!

HARRY: Well, you're not a real time!

HERMIONE: Well, you're not a real clock!

HAGRID: *standing up and making Ginny fall* Now, both o' y'all stop fightin', or I'll turn ya inta hamcakes.

HARRY: Of course your mind immediately jumps to food, you fat sack of crap!

RON: What's a hamcake?

HAGRID: I thought I was playing the couch. . . Why would anyone want to have sexual relations on a fat sack of crap?

VOLDEMORT: *randomly popping up* Why is my porn name Lord Genitalwart? That's not sexy!

HERMIONE: Why, exactly are you helping us save our school by participating in this porno?

VOLDEMORT: We're saving the school? I was just bored, and I don't get a lot of action outside the nursing home.

NEVILLE: So I'm NOT the only one. . .

*awkward silence*

VOLDEMORT: So, seriously, why is my porn name Lord Genitalwart?

HARRY: Herhymen, explain the motivation behind Lord Genitalwart.

HERMIONE: My name's only Herhymen on film! Anyway, Lord Genitalwart wants to kill the students at The Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Pimpery by giving them all genital warts. And if genital warts are left untreated, they can lead to cervical cancer.

VOLDEMORT: I wanted to be Lord Vagemort.

HARRY: Too bad, you're playing Lord Genitalwart and Hagrid, you're a fat sack of crap who got promoted to playing a couch for the purposes of the film!

HAGRID: Why does Voldemort get a porn name, but I don't?

HARRY: You're a COUCH! What kind of couch has a porn name?

NEVILLE: Mine does.

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Anyway, back to the lesbian love scene.

RON: Awwww. When will me and Dumblycakes get to film?

HARRY: As long as I'm directing, never.

DUMBLEDORE: But I'm the only one who has any experience.

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Everyone shut the flarg up so we can reshoot! And Severus Rapes, get your narration right this time!

SNAPE: I'm not Severus Rapes. Why does the narrator need a porn name?

HARRY: You don't have a porn name, I just called you that to be a dick.

SNAPE: Sometimes I really hate you. Most of the time. Always.

HARRY: Say something like that again and I'll take your Paris corpse away! Lights, camera, action, babes!

*cut to Dumbledore's office*

RON: Dumblycakes, I was thinking. All this filming of pornography has made me want to try new things.

DUMBLEDORE: What kinds of new things, Weasleywobbles?

RON: Um, well, I was. . . um, thinking maybe a. . . threesome?

DUMBLEDORE: Ron, how dare you! Sex is an intimate act between two people, and shouldn't be shared with a third. Now get out of my office.

RON: But. . . NO! *cries*

NEVILLE: I couldn't help but overhear that you wanted to have a threesome. You know, I've always wanted to experiment with gingers and old men and...

RON: *laughs uncontrollably* Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Get the fuck out.

NEVILLE: I never get invited to gay threesomes.

*awkward silence*

*on camera*

SNAPE: Little did Herhymen know that Lord Genitalwart had infected poor Ginny Sleazy, and now, the ginger is forced to do his bidding if she ever wants cured.

HERMIONE: You're...clean, right. Because I'm a virgin, hence why my name is Herhymen.

GINNY: Oh. I thought that was just a nerdy coincidence. As far as I know, I'm clean, now let's get to the good stuff.

HERMIONE: You can't just violate anyone you please! There's a rumor that the evil Lord Genitalwart has a little ginger girl doing his bidding.

GINNY: *evil laughter*

*someone randomly farts*

EVERYONE: HAGRID! *starts coughing and choking and running away*

HARRY: Hagrid, that's disgusting! If you do it again, we'll replace you with a professional!

*pans to an actual couch*

NEVILLE: Actually that was me.

*awkward silence*

HAGRID: But I AM a professional. I've played a couch in 4 different pornos!

*awkward silence where everyone glares at Neville*

NEVILLE: What did I do?

HERMIONE: Sorry, force of habit

HARRY: I'm gonna go do Harry things now!

NEVILLE: Can I watch you masturbate?

*awkward silence*

*Harry leaves*

RON: Okay, come on out Dumblewhore. Time for your and Grabherass Hagrid's sexy lovemaking scene.

HAGRID: What?

DUMBLEDORE: But, Ron, I'm with you. I don't wanna do naughty things with anyone else.

RON: I don't like it either, but it's for the good of the school.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, okay, but are you sure you're okay with it, Weasleywobbles?

RON: I'm okay with it, because I get to meat Mother Thumb and her four daughters.

DUMBLEDORE: You heard the man, let's go. Get naked, you big oaf.

HAGRID: But innit Harry that's directing this?

DUMBLEDORE: Well, Harry's gone!

HAGRID: Okay.

*Hagrid and Dumbledore have double naked time*

HAGRID: Le's geddit over with.

*Harry returns*

HARRY: Ginny Sleazy, Herhymen, places, and make sure tha- OH MY GOD! DUMBLEDORE, HAGRID, WHY ARE YOU – Wow, you weren't kidding about the small dick thing. . . That thing's smaller than my finger!

HAGRID: I tol' ya so.

HARRY: Dumblewhore, Hagrid, get your clothes back on. Nobody wants to see your old, wrinkly asses.

HERMIONE: You're such a bastard!

HARRY: You know, you've never explained to me why being a smart bitch is so much better.

HERMIONE: Being a smart bitch is better because –

NEVILLE When do I get to pee on Malfoy again?

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Ugh, you people are infuriating, I need some funny candy!

SNAPE: No, no one gets to touch my stash, especially urchins like you!

HARRY: Give me some candy or I'll make you and Dumbledore do a love scene!

SNAPE: Take as much as you need!

HARRY: That's what I thought. Now, I just need a little bit to take the edge off.

SNAPE: Be careful, Mr. Potter, it's very potent

HARRY: Shut up, Severus Rapes!

*three hours later*

HARRY: Everybody's just so great, I'm gonna give you all my special insect wings because you're such great hamcakes. Hey, hey, we should have a sexy party with Dobby *stoned laughter* I'm gonna tell him to take off his socks.

DOBBY: Dobby's saving himself for marriage!

NEVILLE: Boo, you whore!

SNAPE: Why must every strange-looking creature speak in third person? It annoys Snape.

HERMIONE: Everything annoys you. You're Snape.

RON: What did Harry mean by 'give us his special insect wings'?

HERMIONE: Oh, Harry admitted during a random bout of nerdiness that he likes to collect insect wings and polish them with his own spit.

HARRY: IT GETS ME OFF!

*awkward silence*

MALFOY: Really, tell me more, Potter, I want to be able to make fun of your bizarre fetish for years to come.

HERMIONE: I don't think you can ever make fun of anyone, once Neville pees on you 43 times.

MALFOY: SHUT UP!

HARRY: I can't, the guineasaurus rexes are going to kill me if I ever tell anyone!

RON: What an adorable way to get murdered.

HERMIONE: Well, there goes just a little to take the edge off. God, sometimes you're more retarded than the soulless homosexual.

RON: Who's that?

SNAPE: Not to be a downer, but we haven't filmed anything relevant for the past three hours

MALFOY: Oh, I've filmed plenty of Potter stoned. This will be more popular than 'Kid Spells His Name Wrong'

RON: That kid was so stupid, now seriously, who's the retarded soulless homosexual?

SNAPE: Once again, I'm ignored by the disobedient students

HARRY: I know this one guy who gave me funny candy, you should totally go talk to him!

SNAPE: That was me, and unfortunately you depleted my stash.

HARRY: WHAAAAAAT? That's not what the blue monkey said. Now, if you'll excuse me, the stapler toads are hungry. *leaves*

RON: Is Neville the retarded soulless homosexual?

HERMIONE: No, Neville wishes he could be as cool as the retarded soulless homosexual. Now stop trying to figure it out, you'll only hurt yourself.

RON: How would I hurt myself?

HERMIONE: Just stop thinking, you retarded soulless homosexual!

RON: Where?

HARRY: *re-enters* Who forgot to grow the snails? Now the stapler toads have no food!

MALFOY: Ask your insect wings.

HARRY: But the stapler toads ate them, because they had no food. They liked the flavor of my spit

MALFOY: So you DO polish them with your own spit!

HARRY: No, I polish them with your spit. I steal it from you in your sleep.

MALFOY: WTF, you creepy little pervert!

HERMIONE: What do you expect from a director of illegal porn?

HARRY: Now will somebody please check their armpits for the snails?

RON: So Snape was right. . .

SNAPE: Right about what?

RON: When you said "Not everyone's gay, so put a snail in your armpit."

SNAPE: When did such vile utterances come forth from my mouth?

RON: When you were taking your anti-depressapills.

SNAPE: 50 points from Gryffindor!

RON: But you were the one who...

SNAPE: 50 points!

RON: But. . . Nyooooo! Give us our points or I'll make you do sex things with Dumbledore!

SNAPE: You're not the director, you retarded soulless homosexual

RON: Where?

DUMBLEDORE: Dammit, Ron, I'm not your whore! You can't just sell me off to other men for your own personal gain!

RON: But Dumblycakes, you'd be doing sex things for free.

DUMBLEDORE: No! Bad boyfriend.

HARRY: *sing song* Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom,

Hermione: Uhhh, you're still stoned.

HARRY: *sing song* Honeydukes is so much fun.

VOLDEMORT: Well, we're not getting anywhere today, I'm hitting the nursing home. Anyone want to come with?

NEVILLE: *raises his hand*

VOLDEMORT: You wish you were cool enough to hang with me!

HERMIONE: How could you take advantage of those old ladies? Don't you have a soul?

VOLDEMORT: Why are you yelling at me? The ginger's over there. *points to Ron*

RON: Why do I have to be the ginger?

NEVILLE: How is it that you're the ginger, but I'm the loser of the Potter Puppet Pals?

HERMIONE: Because Ron's not a necrophile!

NEVILLE: Oh, that reminds me. Harry, can I have a scene with the Paris corpse?

SNAPE: No, she's my Paris corpse, you keep your filthy hands off of her decaying sexy body!

*awkward silence*

HERMIONE: Why are there so many weirdos at Hogwarts? Anyway, it's really mean to ask him that while he's stoned. He'll say yes when he's stoned

NEVILLE: Why do you think I waited?

HARRY: You can has sexy time with anyone you want, you strange potato-squash thing.

NEVILLE: See? Works to my advantage.

SNAPE: When Neville violates your Paris corpse, you've officially lost any shred of dignity.

MALFOY: You don't lose shit until Neville pees on you 43 times!

HARRY: Shhh! *starts singing at top of his lungs* EVERYBODY! ROCK YOUR BODY!

NEVILLE: EVERYBODY! ROCK YOUR BODY RIGHT! BACKSTREET'S BACK ALRIGHT!

HERMIONE: Well that was odd.

HARRY: *to Neville* Wow, you're a total loser, aren't you?

HERMIONE: But you were the one who- Nevermind.

HARRY: I'm hungry now. Neville, can I eat your head?

NEVILLE: *suggestively* Which head are you talking about?

HARRY: The one made of that delicious squash.

NEVILLE: But, I need it to live a rich fulfilling...ok you can eat it

HERMIONE: Harry, you really need to get other munchies for when you're high. You've already eaten half of Slytherin house this year.

HARRY: Well, it's not my fault they're so ripe and juicy!

HERMIONE: Stop joking about cannibalism, only people with no souls eat other people. And the Weasleys don't even do that, to my knowledge!

RON: But what about that scene at Neville's birthday party?

HERMIONE: He doesn't count as a person.

NEVILLE: Why don't I count as a person?

*awkward silence*

HERMIONE: Have you even read previous scripts?

NEVILLE: *Starts crying*

HARRY: And that's why you're not a person.

NEVILLE: Because I'm in touch with my feelings?

VOLDEMORT: NO! Because you steal old ladies' undergarments and fantasize about sex with dead people!

NEVILLE: You do that too! And you masturbate in the bushes!

VOLDEMORT: I regret nothing!

HARRY: My funny candy's wearing off. Let's call it a day.

HERMIONE: But now we can actually do something releva-

HARRY: Night everyone!

*THE NEXT DAY*

HARRY: Got any more funny candy, Snape?

SNAPE: No! We're not having another unproductive day! Besides, I told you, you depleted my stash!

HARRY: Ugh! That means I have to actually work!

SNAPE: You should be happy.

HARRY: Why?

SNAPE: Because you scheduled today as your threesome with Herhymen and Sleazy.

HERMIONE: Wait, you didn't say anything about a 3-way! My vag can only handle so much!

HARRY: YAY! Oh, does the schedule say how many takes I pre-scheduled?

HERMIONE: You can't pre-schedule takes! Extra takes only come after "CUT!" which implies that you have messed up in some way.

HARRY: Nonsense. I'm the asshole director. Besides, it's also in the schedule that I will constantly make sure to get my lines wrong.

SNAPE: You've scheduled 125 takes, Mr. Fantastic

HARRY: Sweet!

HERMIONE: Holy shimon! I'm starting to think you've fantasized about this scene for a long time.

RON: Of course he has. He's the only straight male in this story.

SNAPE: What about me?

HARRY: You're only the necro narrator, you don't count.

RON: Anytime I think about my baby sister being violated by a man and a woman, and then watching that man and that woman have sex, I die a little inside.

HARRY: You really don't know how a threesome works, do you Ron?

HERMIONE: Well if we absolutely have to do this, who's going first?

GINNY: I wanna get double teamed!

HARRY: So you ARE partially lesbian!

*cuts to RANDOM FAN's room*

RANDOM FAN: *doubled over* Right in the childhood!

*cut back to HOGWARTS*

SNAPE: Someone took my backup stash!

GINNY: Funny candy makes me do anything...ANYTHING

HERMIONE: Dammit, she could only tolerate my vag while under the influence!

HARRY: Herhymen, there's no other way to handle you during sex. You're so. . . bad at it.

HERMIONE: What are you talking about? We never did anything!

HARRY: Uhhhhh... Gotta go feed Seamus!

HERMIONE: *grabbing his arm* NO! When did you violate me without my knowledge?

HARRY: You got really horny when you were on funny candy, after we took that one pointless test and Neville read Twilight.

RON: Actually, that was during mine and Hermione's Switcherooz disease...

HARRY: WHAT? No filming today. I need brain bleach.

HERMIONE: YES!

HARRY: That means you and Ginny are the only ones on camera!

HERMIONE: NOOOO!

GINNY: I gotta get some dick, or two, or three.

HARRY: Wow, Ginny. I didn't realize you were such a whore!

GINNY: It's not me, the blue pony's making me do these things!

SNAPEE: What? First a blue monkey, then an illegal porn film, then a blue pony? What is happening to Hogwarts?

HERMIONE: At least there's no goffic stanists, that's where I draw the line.

NEVILLE: Who wants to have sex with Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way?

HARRY: I thought you were only into necrophilia. What is this normal sex you speak of?

NEVILLE: If sex is normal, you're not doing it right. Besides, Ebony's FAR from normal, necrophilia's more normal.

SNAPE: I'd have to agree with you, Mr. Longbottom. I've read that horrible girl's life story. *shudders* I must say, not many things make me cringe. Vampires are not and cannot be wizards! Period! And even if I was a pedophile, there's way better teenage girls at Hogwarts to masturbate to.

*awkward silence*

NEVILLE: HEY! That's my job...

*awkward silence*

NEVILLE: That's better!

HARRY: Alright, no more My Immortal references. My brain's already been raped today!

RON: Did I accidentally stick my penis into your ear again?

HARRY: Again, what?

RON: I'VE, um, GOTTA GO BUY LUCKY CHARMS!

HERMIONE: For what?

RON: To feed Seamus! *runs out*

SNAPE: Isn't that Potter's cop-out? *sigh* This looks like another day of counter-productive nonsense. If only my stash wasn't depleted by the asshole director and the soulless little girl –

GINNY: Hermione doesn't have a soul?

*awkward silence*

NEVILLE: Why is everyone taking my job today?

HERMIONE: OH NO! You've been infected by both Ron's love of cock AND his stupidity! There's gotta be an antidote in here somewhere! *starts flipping through 'Magical Drafts and Potions' by Arsenius Jigger*

SNAPE: The antidote to antidepressants is enough time with you loathsome, filthy, perverted children.

GINNY: Did somebody say pervert?

SNAPE: My point exactly.

HARRY: Well if Snape's gonna whine about non-productivity and Ginny's good to go, I say we do this.

GINNY: Are you happy Blue Pony?

BLUE UNICORN FROM CHARLIE THE UNICORN: *evilly* Quite.

HARRY: Wait a minute, BRILLIANT IDEA! Since all of you think I'm SUCH an ASSHOLE, I wanna prove it.

GINNY: OK, now I'm scared.

HARRY: *evil laugh* Blue pony, you're up.

GINNY: NOOOO!

NEVILLE: OOH! Can I be in this scene?

*awkward silence*

SNAPE: As if this wasn't already wrong enough...

HAGRID: Harry, we talked about this. That was supposed to be my scene, only with a hippogriff.

HARRY: NO! We've discussed this! You're the couch, and you'll like it!

SNAPE: I'll need to erase a LOT of memories after this is over.

HARRY: Try .com. It always works for me! (actual site, btw, for our male/lesbian readers.)

SNAPE: Fine *views website* Oh my, that's something I could tame my dragon to. Paris, you can take a day off.

NEVILLE: So, I can have a turn now?

*awkward silence, in which Neville grabs the corpse, and slowly backs away*

HERMIONE: I guess if we have to do this, can I penetrate? I never did like fish.

HARRY: You don't know how this works, do you?

DUMBLEDORE: How would you penetrate when you don't have a penis, and we didn't think to invest in a strap-on?

RON: What's a penis?

DUMBLEDORE: Ron, out of all the times we've –

HARRY: AHHH! MY POOR EARS! Let's do the threesome!

HERMIONE: Fine.

GINNY: Yeaaaaah. . . Funny candy's worn off. I'm not doing this.

HARRY: Son of a bitch!

HERMIONE: Yeaaaaah . . .funny candy's worn on, now I want to do this

HAGRID: Well, I'm always an option.

*Harry barfs*

HARRY: NO ONE HAS SEX WITH HAGRID! HE'S THE COUCH!

NEVILLE: Well, maybe if he was a female couch, I'd take up that offer

DUMBLEDORE: Then when are we gonna do the all-male threesome?

HARRY: As long as I'm directing, NEVER!

HERMIONE: I wanna get double teamed now!

HARRY: Yeah, let's call it a day. Brainstorming session tomorrow.

SNAPE: Yet another unproductive day.

*THE NEXT DAY*

HARRY: Since some of you feel the need to incorporate all of your weird fetishes in this fine production, give me some ideas.

CEDRIC: I WANT TO BE LOVED!

DUMBLEDORE: Can me and Ron and 9 other dudes have an 11-way?

RON: I don't want to be in an 11-way, having sex with more than 5 guys at once is skanky.

DUMBLEDORE: Then can we have a 6-way?

HARRY: No, no man-orgies. Mr. Fantastic doesn't swing that way

GINNY: *scowling* You haven't swung at all yet...

NEVILLE: I have an idea but I'll need 13 pairs of granny panties, the Paris corpse, 11 dead bodies, and a car battery.

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Ummm... How about no.

NEVILLE: OK, then can I borrow Scabbers? I have something sexy planned for me, the Paris corpse, Scabbers, and that blue unicorn. *winks suggestively*

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Ummm... How about no.

NEVILLE: Okay, what about -

HARRY: NO! NO MORE OF YOUR PERVERTED IDEAS!

HERMIONE: I say I have sex with one of the guys *snickering* with the lights on. WOO MISSIONARY!

HARRY: Looks like we got a badass over here.

HERMIONE: Yeah, I know!

HARRY: Missionary's too boring. How about -

SNAPE: Oh, god. NO! Hearing your favorite position is where I draw the line.

RON: Can me and Dumbly have an all-male three-way?

HARRY: I already said no! And how would you guys have a three-way anyway? You're only two people!

RON: Well, I was hoping that you could join in...

HARRY: INFINITE QUADRUPLE NO!

RON: But you seemed to like it when I-

HARRY: We will never speak of that horrible night! Besides, you were a girl, so it doesn't count!

RON: I was in Hermione's body. . . Wait! Hermione's a girl? Since when?

HERMIONE: Ugh, stupid boys.

GINNY: You can't blame the gender. Even I thought you were a boy.

HERMIONE: You don't have a soul, so you don't count.

GINNY: So that trip I made last night devouring the souls of Muggles didn't do ANYTHING to cure MY soullessness? I ate all those souls for nothing...

HARRY: Does anyone have any non-gay ideas? Unless they're lesbian ideas, that's ok.

CEDRIC: My idea wasn't gay…

HARRY: Fine, someone can molest Cedric

CEDRIC: Yaaay, I'm a foot!

VOLDEMORT: I'd be happy to.

HERMIONE: Go away, Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT: Okay. BACK TO THE NURSING HOME!

HERMIONE: I'd be happy to molest Cedric.

CEDRIC: I've told Ron before, I'm NOT GAY!

HERMIONE: I'M A GIRL!

RON *in drag*: Oh yes, I'd also like to have sex with Cedric because I'm SUCH a girl.

GINNY: I'd even have a non-funny-candy-induced threesome to be with him.

HARRY: SON OF A BITCH! I hate this. Stupid sparkly vampire foot. FINE! IF THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GET HERMIONE AND GINNY NAKED, FINE!

CEDRIC: YAY! PUT MY TOES IN YOUR MOUTH!

GINNY: Oh, I'd do much more than that. *winks suggestively*

RON: Everytime I think about my baby sister naked and violated by a girl that looks like a boy and a sparkly cold foot on camera, I-

HARRY: Yes, yes, you die a little inside, we've heard.

RON: But this has never happened before!

SNAPE: Are we actually going to have a productive day today?

HERMIONE: *sensually* Oh, I'll make sure it's a VERY productive day.

CEDRIC: *also sensually* Oooh, I'm a foot.

*Hermione and Ginny somehow have sex with a foot*

HARRY: *addressing the audience* What? You actually thought we were going to write a detailed porn scene? The writers of this script are perverted, but not that perverted. They only wrote this story to show anyone what a pervert Neville is.

NEVILLE: Guess where I want to put Cedric's toes.

HARRY: Damn it, Neville, what sort of gross fetish AREN'T you into?

NEVILLE: Hmmm… I don't have sex with male couches.

HAGRID: Damn it!

SNAPE: When did Hogwarts turn into a whore house?

HARRY: Oh, it's always been a whore house. Why do you think that the groups of girls went into the Room of Requirement with me?

SNAPE: *sigh* Rabble rousers. Well, I can't complain much. We actually did something productive today. Still, this porno doesn't have a plot. It's just a random string of jokes and awkward silences.

HARRY: Haven't you been here since the beginning? That's all these stories ever are! And people seem to like our scripts, so why wouldn't they like our pornos?

*days later*

HERMIONE: Awww, that foot sex was amazing.

GINNY: You don't have to tell me. I came like 14 times every hour.

HERMIONE: That's so many! But I can't lie. I had a lot too. But then again, we did have sex for four days straight. But still, how the fuck is it 14 times per hour?

GINNY: The national average is 11.

HARRY: *turns to Cedric* Four days? How the hell did you last four days?

CEDRIC: I don't cum.

HARRY: *raises eyebrow* Then how do you have sex…?

CEDRIC: Well, first I stick my big toe –

HARRY: Nevermind. We're not feeding the foot fetish-ers.

VOLDEMORT: DAMN IT! Oh well. I saw the whole thing from my favorite bush.

HERMIONE: We're in a building… There ARE no bushes that aren't between people's legs!

VOLDEMORT: Stop trying to insert logic into this script!

DUMBLEDORE: Can we have our 11-way now?

RON: DUMBLYCAKES?

DUMBLEDORE: *exasperated sigh* Fine. Can we have our 6-way now?

RON: Thank you.

HARRY: How many times must I tell you? We're not having any man-orgies!

RON: Then can we have a three-way?

HARRY: NO!

DUMBLEDORE: A 2-way?

HARRY: NO!

RON: Can I just tame my dragon on the couch?

HARRY: NO! I wouldn't let Hagrid do it, why would I let you?

RON: Because I'm bigger.

HERMIONE: Not by much.

RON: How would you know?

HERMIONE: The switcherooz disease.

RON: You looked at my penis?

HERMIONE: I did have to pee… And there was that blowjob from Snape on funny candy…

SNAPE: WHAT? I'm going to go boil my tongue now.

HARRY: *mockingly* No, Snape, we're being unproductive!

SNAPE: Fuck productivity! My tongue was violated by Ronald's extraordinarily small penis.

RON: Awwww, I missed it.

NEVILLE: I missed it too.

*awkward silence*

RON: Well, it was Hermione's penis…

HARRY: So you ARE a guy!

HERMIONE: If I'm a guy, why do you want to have a threesome with me?

DUMBLEDORE: Now that everyone's gay, would any of you be interested in participating in an 11-way?

RON: I've already said no derfty-four times, besides, we don't have enough people for an 11-way.

HERMIONE: You've said no twice, and since you can't count, how do you know if we have enough people?

RON: Well, 11's a big number and there's a little number of gays at Hogwarts

HARRY: It's like he's a perverted 5-year-old

NEVILLE: I could put sock puppets on nine of my toes, and PRETEND they're gay men.

HERMIONE: You don't have any toes.

NEVILLE: Damn. Oh Cedric, could we paint your toes as gay men and have sex with them?

*awkward silence*

CEDRIC: No.

NEVILLE: Boo, you whore.

HARRY: Ok, let's spin the random idea wheel! *brings wheel with three sections that all spin different ways at different rates*. As you can see, the inner wheel shows the kinky idea to be filmed. The middle wheel is one of the characters, and the outer wheel is the other! Isn't that fun?

GINNY: Harry, 4 out of 6 on the middle wheel are of Hermione, and 4 of 6 on the outer wheel are of me...

HARRY: That's because the odds are in my favor. Hagrid, spin the wheel.

HAGRID: I still wanna tame my dragon

HARRY: Hagrid, spin the wheel. The chance is slim, but it could happen. I really hope not, though, because the other rule is: WHATEVER HAPPENS, IT HAPPENS WITH ME! I'M SICK OF NOT BEING THE STAR!

*inner wheel: shower, middle wheel: Snape, outer wheel: Hagrid*

HARRY: I changed my mind. I'm not in this one.

SNAPE: But, Mr. Potter, it's your rules. I don't like it either. Actually, i despise you. But, without the school, I have no job, as nobody else will hire my sorry, decrepit ass.

HARRY: You said it, not me. But I DON'T WANNA! Get the koala.

SNAPE: Mr. Potter, that will only make me more right.

HARRY: KOALA!

SNAPE: *holding koala* Your argument is invalid.

HARRY: Well, that backfired.

HERMIONE: *to Snape* I think Harry came out the winner in this argument, now you have to do a shower scene with Hagrid. By yourself.

SNAPE: But I'm holding an adorable koala.

HERMIONE: Damn it, you win.

HARRY: That scene doesn't even make sense! Who takes showers with their couch?

NEVILLE: I do. Why? Is it weird?

HERMIONE: What do you do that's NOT weird?

SNAPE: *still holding koala* Can I put this down? It's disturbingly adorable.

HARRY: Fine, it would be morally wrong to take such an innocent creature into our filthy shower scene.

HERMIONE: But a pornographic film with underage children isn't morally wrong?

HARRY: I never said it wasn't morally wrong, I just don't care.

HERMIONE: But... what about... koa- ugh. nevermind

RON: Does this mean Harry doesn't get his threesome with Hermione and Ginny?

HARRY: Of course we're doing the threesome! I'll need serious brain bleach after that horrid shower.

GINNY: But we're out of funny candy… mostly.

HARRY: I DON'T CARE! I'M THE DIRECTOR, AND THE THREE-SOME IS IN THE SCRIPT!

GINNY: Good thing I've got Snape's backup backup stash!

SNAPE: No, I need it more than you do!

HERMIONE: How many backups do you have?

SNAPE: That's none of your concern, you loathsome shemale.

HERMIONE: I'm a girl! Did you not see the foot-some?

SNAPE: When one of the teenage girls at Hogwarts has sex with a sparkly, emo foot, that is the time, if ever, for .

HAGRID: Can I tame my dragon during the shower scene?

HARRY: For the last time, you're the couch!

HAGRID: But the wheel said a shower scene with all three of us... Why would someone have a couch in the shower?

NEVILLE: My female couch stays in the shower...

HARRY: Nobody cares Neville! You're weird.

HAGRID: So, I'm just gonna sit in the shower while you and Severus get it on? That's no fun.

HARRY: On second thought, I wanna spin again.

HERMIONE: NO! That's not the rules! You don't get a re-spin.

SNAPE: So, who's pitching and who's catching?

HARRY: WE'RE NOT DOING IT! Unless I can have funny candy.

SNAPE: The soulless female took my backup backup stash, so now I have ABSOLUTELY none left.

HARRY: Ginny, give us some funny candy!

GINNY: Lord Genitalwart took all of it!

VOLDEMORT: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

HARRY: If he took the funny candy, why isn't he high as a kite?

GINNY: You're just a lightweight. Real men can take it.

VOLDEMORT: I didn't take it! I was watching the footsome the whole time!

*awkward silence*

HERMIONE: We didn't see you...

VOLDEMORT: I was in the bushes. You weren't supposed to see me!

SNAPE: Let's just get this over with. At least Dumbledore's not participating in this nauseating display of arousal.

*Dumbledore pops up*

DUMBLEDORE: Did somebody say man-orgy?

RON: Sadly, I cannot be a part of it, Dumblycakes. Harry's the asshole director, not me.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, unless you let me and my Weaslywobbles join, you will be expelled.

HARRY: *under breath* This is my least favorite part of directing illegal porn. *to everyone* Alright, everyone gets a sensual massage and that's it.

DUMBLEDORE: Aww, no happy endings?

SNAPE: But if we were doing it, who would be on top?

HARRY: Your mom!

SNAPE: My mother's dead...

NEVILLE: OOH! All the better!

*in the shower*

SNAPE: *Narrating* Now that all of the women at Hogwarts have been cursed by the evil Lord Genitalwart, Mr. Fantastic decided to get a sensual massage from his good friend Ron Sleazy and his esteemed professors.

HARRY: *Unenthusiastically* I'm a dirty boy.

SNAPE: *Unenthusiastically massaging Harry's shoulders, in an unenthusiastic monotone* You're so tense. You need a sensual massage.

RON: I've got the rubber ducky! Hey, do we have to be involved with the couch in this scene?

HARRY: CUT! Ron, you ask these questions BEFORE we start filming.

SNAPE: DAMN IT! I can only stand so much contact with living humans.

NEVILLE: When's my scene with the Paris corpse?

SNAPE: NO! You're not having a scene with my precious dead girlfriend!

HARRY: *to Neville* How the hell did you even get in here?

NEVILLE: I wanted to watch…

*awkward silence*

HARRY: Neville, don't make this more uncomfortable than it has to be! And Ron, we're not getting involved with the couch, that would be weird!

HAGRID: I'm just gonna go home and tame my dragon then.

HARRY: NO! The entire cast, props included, has to stay here until filming is done.

HAGRID: But the couch doesn't get any love.

HARRY: You're a couch. Live with it. It's not like you're getting any love off camera, why is it such a big deal?

HAGRID: At least this time I'm a couch… Last porno I was in, I had to disguise myself as exercise equipment.

HARRY: How ironic. A fat sack of crap disguising himself as exercise equipment.

HAGRID: I did play a fat sack of crap once, but they said that I didn't smell convincing enough, so I got replaced with manure…

HARRY: I don't even wanna know what kind of porno stars a fat sack of crap. Let's just finish this scene so I can get on with my three way.

RON: Does this rubber ducky go up anyone's bum?

DUMBLEDORE: OOH! Mine! I've been constipated all day, and Snape ran out of expired gorilla milk.

HARRY: Everyone shut up. PLACES. Lights! Camera! Action, ba- *unenthusiastically* dudes."

RON: Rubbicus Assicus!

DUMBLEDORE: OOH! Rubber ducky, you're the one!

HARRY: *shudders* Trying not to throw up here.

SNAPE: *unenthusiastically* Let's head on over to the couch for the remainder of our sensual massage.

*CUT TO END OF SHOWER SCENE, OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM*

RON: That was the best derf-way ever.

SNAPE: There was four of us, you retarded soulless homosexual.

RON: WHERE IS THIS RETARDED SOULLESS HOMOSEXUAL YOU KEEP CALLING?

SNAPE: Hagrid doesn't count in the scene.

HAGRID: Couches never get any love.

NEVILLE: Mine does…

*awkward silence*

HARRY: I'm going to need the most powerful memory charm the world has to offer.

HERMIONE: What took you so long? It doesn't take three hours to give three guys a sensual massage.

HARRY: I don't wanna talk about it.

GINNY: Well, you're the director. You could have ended it at any time. Or were you enjoying yourself in there?

HARRY: NO! Absolutely not!

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, don't lie, Mr. Fantastic. Surprise butt sex is always fun.

HARRY: *throws up.* Never. Speak of that. Again. Girls, and Hermione, I hope you're ready for the three-way.

GINNY: Actually, my funny candy wore off when you were in there.

SNAPE: There were 20 grams in my backup backup backup stash! You mean it wore off already?

GINNY: Oh, I have a dealer back home, and I've built up a tolerance to it.

HARRY: Ron, I need to come to your house more often.

RON: OOH! Sleepovers!

HARRY: But GINNY! You weren't supposed to take it during the shower scene.

GINNY: I didn't think you'd be in there for three hours! And what man takes three hours to get off anyway?

HERMIONE: Well, Cedric took four days.

CEDRIC: Yeah, but I'm a foot. I don't cum.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, with my arthritis, it was hard to stop him squirming. Unlike some people, I don't get horny from resistance.

HARRY: YOU'RE SPEAKING OF IT! BAD DUMBLEDORE!

RON: Don't yell at my Dumblycakes.

HARRY: Sparkly, emo, vampire foot, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?

CEDRIC: I'm a foot. You are not. You don't even have feet. Simple, really.

SNAPE: Mr. Potter, I am prepared to share my backup backup backup stash with Ms. Weasley, as long as I can have a scene with Paris.

HARRY: UGH! FINE! You can have your creepy necrophilia scene.

NEVILLE: How come he gets a scene with the Paris corpse?

SNAPE: Because she's MY Paris corpse! Go find your own sexy decaying girlfriend.

NEVILLE: BUT THE GRAVEKEEPERS ALWAYS CATCH ME!

SNAPE: *sigh* That's not my problem. You just have to be less obvious.

NEVILLE: Well, since she's not alive to scream, can we BOTH be in the scene.

SNAPE: No. You disgust me far more than any of the other children.

NEVILLE: If you do this, I pwomise to pay attention in Potions class, and not blow up your jars with organs and dead things suspended in mysterious white liquid.

SNAPE: That's just… uh… magic juice.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh it's magic all right. It makes babies magically appear, then slowly feed on the mother's brain for nine months , until it's big enough to attempt to fulfill its plans of world domination, starting with any and all attempts at matricide.

HERMIONE: Er, you didn't pay attention in Magical and Muggle Biology, did you?

DUMBLEDORE: Nope. I learned everything I know about babies from that American cartoon, Family Guy.

SNAPE: That explains so much. *to Neville* Anyway, you can't be in my Paris scene.

HARRY: Oh, come on Snape. Your dead whore girlfriend would have wanted it that way.

SNAPE: *sigh* Fine.

NEVILLE: YAY! My name will be… Neville Hungbottom.

HARRY: Wow, such irony.

NEVILLE: *gets naked* I'm ready for fluffing.

HERMIONE: Oh my GOD! That thing's smaller than Ron's!

GINNY: But it's growing!

NEVILLE: Fully grown, I'm fourteen and a half inches, the same length as my wand.

RON: That explains why my wand is so short.

*Hermione and Ginny grab onto Neville*

HERMIONE and GINNY: SURPRISE THREESOME!

NEVILLE: Hooray!

HARRY: Fuck this movie.

*CREDITS ROLL*

*AFTER CREDITS SCENE*

HARRY: Ron, what did you do with the discs of the film.

RON: I gave them away.

HARRY: You WHAT?

RON: I only gave, like, 25 away.

DUMBLEDORE: I burned the rest. It made some tasty marshmallows!

HARRY: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

DUMBLEDORE: Apparently, there was a lot of stuff that can't legally be sold as porn. Necrophilia, pedophilia, child pornography, and that first scene with Neville and Malfoy.

HERMIONE: I told you we should've aged ourselves to 18! That still wouldn't help with the rest of it, though…

DUMBLEDORE: Guess we'll have to film a sequel. And I'm directing. Who's up for an 11-way?

MALFOY: Wait a minute. So I got peed on for nothing? I'm so killing you, Potter!

HARRY: I got surprise butt sex for nothing. I have the worse deal.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, stop pretending you didn't enjoy it. Everyone loves surprise butt sex.

HARRY: ONLY GAYS! *to Ron* Anyway, who did you give the free DVDs to?

RON: *singsong* Family gets a free copy.

GINNY: *Getting off the phone* Ron, our parents just tried to kill themselves.

RON: So they DID get it… Awww, they didn't like it.

HARRY: WHY WOULD ANYONE LIKE IT?

*THE END*

HARRY: Comic Sans because fuck you. You all get surprise butt secks.


End file.
